Mary Sue

My Mary Sue
(From the MS litmus test: [link])

FULL NAME: Mary Tanith-Lee Sue Nicehass

AKA: Shadow Raven

ALIAS: Athena Lee

AGE: looks 16 (really 34 in Klingon years )

APPEARENCE: Highly attractive for a female of her species. Tends to stand out in human settlements, because she is a Neko (cat girl) but that’s ok, everyone loves her because of her sparkling wit and personality and uniqueness.

EYE COLOR: light purple that reflects her hidden sorrows deep within her soul

HAIR: natural perfect, red and wavy

KNOWN POWERS: all of them, even the ones I missed too.

ALLIES: everyone, even the Gnomes are smitten with her beauty

GENERAL HISTORY: Mary Sue was born in to nobility but her family lost their fortune during the Yard Gnome Rebellion of ’58. All of her family and her pet dog was slaughtered by the Evil Gnomes but she alone using her innate magical powers helped her to survive. At the tender age of three she managed to escape her war ridden homeland by traveling in disguise and relying on her mastery of the martial arts taught to her by her nanny that died in Mary’s arms. Mary Sue swore that she would not rest until her homeland was free of the evil tyranny of the foul Yard Gnomes.

When she passed over into the bordering lands she was overwhelmed by a group of bloodthirsty ninjas that managed to overcome her kung-fu. They subdued her and sold her into Neko slavery. Along the way to the slave pins in the Frozen Tundra she was rescued by a lively group of pirates. The pirate king was so taken by Mary’s great beauty, he named her the Queen of the Pirates and taught her many many secrets of the arts of fighting, looting, manga illustration, bass guitar and origami.

During the years she spent with the pirates, Mary Sue learned 16 languages while she traveled all over the world. She also learned high culture from the books and items in the vast pirates plunder. She also discovered that she can charm the very masses with nothing but a song and a slight sigh. Needless to say all of the pirates in her merry crew adored her. The main skill she learned was to wield the deadly katana from the pirate captain. Mary Sue grew so skilled with the weapon that she could slay anyone in melee without so much as breaking a sweat. Came in handy when she needed to defend her honor.

On her 16th birthday, she noticed a peculiar birthmark that happened to show up on her neck. At first she thought it was a hickey the Captain gave her, but it was different. She went to the most wise men in all of the lands to seek their advice on this seemingly bizarre blemish.

The Great High Timnomonin (no relation) said that the birthmark is a sign of the gods that Mary Sue is the rightful air to her old familial throne. To top it all off, Tim said that she was possibly the Chosen One that will bring balance to the Shwartz. Seeing that this would be a great thing to put on her resume, she set off on her quest to gain the approval of the Gods.

After a long, grueling mission while walking hip deep in the tundra naked uphill for miles looking for the Fortress of Solitude (no relation to Clark Kent) to seek the favor of the gods. After a hard fought battle with a pack of slavering demons barehanded, she reached her goal.

At the statue of the God with a lousy Sense of Humor (Loki I think, no relation) Mary Sue challenged him for the right to be the chosen one with all of the benefits and insurance plans that goes along with the position. Loki challenged Mary Sue to a game of Trivial Pursuit in which she won hands down. In accordance to the bet Loki hired Mary Sue as the Chosen One of the Gods. She sprouted a pair of wings and got a really nifty dental plan too.

Armed with the new title and spiffy near god like powers to boot, Mary Sue is ready to go back to her home lands to kick some major Yard Gnome booty.

The world is faced with Gnomish nuclear annihilation and the threat of another Brittany Spears CD, will our heroine save the day? Will she get over from being so emo about her new powers and almost perfect immortality? Will she find true love instead of a series of one night stands with the pirates? Will Tiny Tim Cratchit ever learn to walk without that crutch? Find out! Tune in next week at the same Mary Sue Time, at the same Mary Sue Channel.

By the way, my Mary Sue litmus test score topped three digits… be afraid, be very afraid